How Social Distancing Rules Are Created

Video Transcript:

Cleetus! I need you to come up with social distancing guidelines. But, sir, I just cleaned the toilets here. I wouldn't know the first thing about it. Just do it! We're all busy! You're the man for the job. I'll send you an assistant to help you make notes. Good work. Okay. Sir, the surgeon general just tweeted this. Seriously, people stop by mass. They are not effective in preventing general public from catching coronavirus. Sounds like we should mandate masks. Okay. So medical grade masks? No. Just anything. No hankerchief or worn-through t-shirt with holes in it. A maxi pad for all I care. I think these are all medical devices exquisitely designed to keep viruses out of the human body. I think. Tell people to stay six feet apart. Why six feet? Because we don't use the metric system. This is America. We don't do meters. Yes, sir. I understand why we're measuring in feet, but why six of them? Oh. It seems like a good medically sound number to me. Okay. We're finding obesity is a factor that terribly increases someone's risk for COVID-19. What do we do? Yeah. Let's close all the gyms. For how long? We'll reopen the gyms once they're closed long enough that they all go out of business. That way they can't reopen. That sounds effective, sir. And while we're at it, let's close down all the playgrounds. But make sure the vending machines are still open so people can still get their sodas. Sir, may I ask, what are you working on there? Oh. I'm drawing the cat. It's beautiful. The rest of the studies have found that with COVID-19 patients in Indonesia, 98.9% of them that had vitamin D deficiency died. But only 4% of patients with vitamin D deficiency died. And approximately 70% of the US has vitamin D deficiency. What do you think we should do? We need a new mandate. Everybody's got to stay inside. The last thing we need is people being exposed to the sun breathing fresh air. They need protection. Oh wait, that looks better like this. And close all the beaches. Okay. People can go back on the beaches again, but only standing or swimming. No sitting. This disease is highly contagious in the sitting position. Is it? Yeah. Okay, restaurants can open again. But there's some highly specific safety guidelines we need to put in place. First off, you have to wear a mask while you're walking to your table. But you don't have to wear a mask while you're seated at your table. Why is that? Because now the virus isn't contagious in the seated position. But you have to put your mask back on to walk to the bathroom because... Because this virus is highly contagious in the walking position. Possibly. And there's only one person allowed in the bathroom at a time. I don't know if people would be having COVID orgies in there if they could. Great idea, sir. This looks like enough busy work to make people think we're being effective, do you think? Excellent, sir. I have some new information, sir. The CDC says the coronavirus does not easily spread on surfaces. Ah, in that case. No reusable menus either. Let's require all restaurants and small businesses that are struggling to hire extra staff to spray down and clean surfaces every hour. Well, that sounds ridiculous. You're right. Every 15 minutes. Better to be safe. Sir, the World Health Organization now says that asymptomatic people usually don't spread the coronavirus. Really? Wow, this thing's worse than we thought. Okay. Six more months of lockdown. A telemedal just be two.